BLOG; Thoughts on the business of life and work

The Cultivation of Hope

10/14/2017

"Meaninglessness inhibits the fullness of life and is therefore equivalent to illness. Meaning makes a great many things endurable - perhaps everything." C.G Jung Memories, Dreams, Reflections

No shame in pain
If you have experienced chronic pain or known someone who has, you will know how obsessing and fixating on pain leaves little room for much else.When you are unwell over any length of time, activities and interests that once grabbed you, slowly retreat and shrink.

Ambivalence about the meaning of your own life and feelings of uselessness intensify alongside your growing dependency on others. Fear raises questions: how much more can I take? when will this pain go away? what will I do if it doesn’t? And fear slides into terror sometimes.

I have fortunately never known depression but I have had my first taste recently, provoked by months of unrelenting pain and a lack of freedom to move as I wish. I have been surprised by the depth of my own hopelessness.
And I am the hopeful and optimistic type.

When the pain first got hold of me, I took over an empty room in the house. With a lot of positivity, I stretched, used ice and heat, meditated, did self-massage and dedicated myself to glute strengthening and core exercises as suggested by my athletic therapist. I only got stronger. No relief.

So I broadened my search for hope and help– acupuncture, chiropractic, massage, osteopathy, manual therapy and the use of vitamin supplements - anything, that will take the pain away.

My chiropractor felt confident that after 12 sessions of spinal decompression, I would feel a lot better. Conceptually I saw the potential, but it had zero effect.
Multiple osteopathic treatments made no difference to my pain but I really like anatomical charts and models of the spine.
The acupuncturist said my chi was great. I told him I have never been in better health, except for gnawing pain.
The neurologist completed his test of running volts of electricity through my legs and said no nerve damage. Nerves were firing perfectly. Easily a form of torture if you slightly increase voltage and duration.
The manual therapist did a two-hour deep tissue massage - beyond painful. He was the only one not afraid to give me direct orders: stop dancing, biking, taking hot baths and eating spicy food (for a month) and no coffee and no sex (for a few days). Four times a day, I am to use tiger balm and hydrogen peroxide, do tai chi and meditate. I am giving him a few more tries.
Although I barely watch TV, spending so much time indoors has driven me to buy a Netflix plan. Once I got a taste of Breaking Bad, Ozark and Last Tango in Halifax, I was hooked. I watched reruns of America’s Got Talent, Britain’s Got Talent and The Voice. I cried all over the talent. That’s what pain will do to you!
I stopped reading horribly depressing forums on chronic pain and pain meds. I feel sick about the number of people suffering unimaginable pain. It puts mine in perspective.
I researched side effects of drugs that the orthopedic doc, the anesthesiologist, internist and rheumatologist prescribed. Too scary for now.

Needless to say, months and months of exercise and massage, together with manual, osteopathic, chiropractic, and athletic therapies, including, of course, physiotherapy, acupuncture and spinal decompression treatments have been unsuccessful. I have been fortunate to deal with good professionals; unfortunately no relief yet.

Same goes for two nerve blocks – (nerve-numbing injections to block the nerve).

Low tolerance for misery – high need for meaningfulness
When I first started coaching, I offered ‘supportive care coaching’ to help people address the huge impact of chronic illness. In my pre-coaching days, I was a member of a team, involved in a long-term project to develop educational interventions to enhance team-delivered health care, leading to improved patient outcomes for people with chronic illness. The irony. Supportive Care Coach, coach thyself.

I have low tolerance for being miserable and a high need for meaningfulness in my life. If suffering cannot be avoided, then one thing to do is find ways to convert the pain into meaning. This makes life more interesting and reduces the burden of suffering. Here is what do: I elevate my ‘problem’ into an important phenomenon that is worthy of study. I pay attention to how my mind is working in a whole new way. I think about what insights or perspectives I might gain and share. So while I have a low tolerance for being miserable, learning to live with it helps to meet my need for meaningfulness. I guess I can live with the paradox!

A few narratives which can change your relationship to pain

There is no shame in pain
You are not alone: the walking wounded are everywhere
Suffering is inescapable and acceptance is key
Opportunities for growth and new pursuits may be available

Supporting your family and friends during difficult times
I pride myself on caring for people, both in my work and in my personal life. I have taken care of more than a few family members and friends who have been sick, depressed, had cancer, or were dying. I’m also a mother of three, so caring is part of that job.

Long-term, seemingly intractable problems are tiring for everyone. The problem(s) just don’t go away, so family and friends are stuck with being supportive over the long haul. Many of us are preoccupied, stressed and overwhelmed by our own lives and don’t have the wherewithal to be tuning into where someone else is at and what they need. Asking someone how they feel during a ten-day flu is one thing, but asking the same question over months and months, tends to produce the same answer, which bores everyone. But you can’t stop asking either.

People are often at a loss for what to say. Others, as time goes on wonder, “jeez, what’s wrong, you never seem to get better?" or “you don’t look like you are in pain." Or, nothing is said which hurts even more.

The truth is – in many ways a person’s pain, whether emotional, physical or spiritual, is private and unknowable. Each of us, I’m afraid, must become as self-reliant as possible and learn to cope with our own pain and suffering.

But besides the many practical things we can do for ourselves and each other, suffering can be relieved in part by the heart-warming gestures of presence and open heartedness to the real rawness of someone’s pain, without the need to fix or suggest remedies. Offerings of love, touch, hope, and companionship are particularly important, as suffering is a lonely experience.

Always hopeful,
Coach Minda
I am a work-life coach. I coach people who want to improve their professional and personal lives. I will help you find more zest, hope and energy and more meaning, balance and satisfaction in your work and life.

Click CONTACT to set up your first coaching session.

14 Comments

Win or lose?

2/25/2017

5 Comments

At one time or another, we compare or rank ourselves against others. We tend to focus on points of comparison that interest us. We want to know how we measure up: "Hey, I'm not so bad," or "you sure don't measure up to their talent, smarts or looks," or "you better get your ass in gear."

Competitive thoughts can also make us victims of envy, jealousy and inadequacy. Not so good.

Healthy competition or playful rivalry seem to be good things when they motivate us to do better. We can all respect competitive people. They work hard and want to be good at something.

On the competitiveness spectrum there are all kinds of people, who:

Want to dominate, win at all costs and all the time.
Love competition, mostly as an excuse to improve on their own personal best.
Are wannabe competitors - would like to be best or win, but back down because they are not willing to work hard or make the necessary sacrifices.
Are self-deniers when it comes to competition - they pretend not to care and avoid going after what they really want.
Associate the desire to win with an unenlightened, ego-driven, dark impulse that must be repressed.

I entered my first ballroom dance competition a few weeks ago, after three years of lessons and lots of practice. This came after a lifetime of believing that the competitive mindset was not part of my hard-wiring. I finally admitted that I wanted to know if I was any good, and the only way to do that was to be judged against other dancers.

I had to reassure myself over and over, that "there is no sin in wanting to win a competition." I had to train very hard, both technically and psychologically. First, I had to embrace the not-so-comfortable desire to compete and win. And then I had to develop work-around strategies to address the more likely reality that I would not win.

I told myself things like: "It's not about winning... You can't control the outcome, what matters is to do your best... If you don't do well, you will do better next time."

I placed first in all of the 40 dances I entered. The thrill and sense of accomplishment was mind-bending. I was flying.

Then I discovered there were no other dancers in my category. Forty empty first place medals. The sense of disappointment was mind-bending, too. I crashed.

So in my first-ever competition, I experienced the thrill of victory followed by the agony of discovering that my victory was empty.

All I can say is that, while competing against myself, I did quite well for a newbie.

To compete or not to compete, that is the question.
Coach Minda

5 Comments

Is your online job search as productive as it can be?

1/18/2017

1 Comment

The internet is undoubtedly a valuable tool when it comes to your job search — thousands of companies post every day and they are all available at your fingertips.

According to the Pew Research Center, online search has become the most frequently used tool for job seekers.

But even though the postings are there, are the jobs? That’s why the team at Reviews.com spent six weeks consulting with experts and hands-on testing the most popular sites to determine which has fresh, frequent, relevant unique posts, as well as which aggregate posts from other places on the web.

Here are a few takeaways from their research:

1. Consider the ‘metadata’ these sites provide

Rather than seeing each post as a potential job, consider what they suggest: which companies are hiring, what credentials they are looking for, and who you might know that can help you get a foot in the door.

2. It’s important to be proactive, not reactive when it comes to your job search

Seeking out current employees at a company you’re interested in and obtaining a referral may not be as immediate as applying directly to a job through a site, but it could be much more meaningful.

3. Job sites are a tool, not a crutch

A good job site will scrape for new postings regularly, giving you a strong indication of what is available — but don’t expect the site to get the job for you. Networking and putting yourself out there, both online and off, is the best way to make sure you’re getting the productive results.

For the complete study, along with Reviews.com’s top picks for job sites, visit: http://www.reviews.com/job-sites/

Good luck,
Coach Minda

1 Comment

Unresolved about New Year resolutions

12/16/2016

0 Comments

On December 30th, early in the morning, I will be interviewed on CBC radio about my thoughts on New Year's resolutions. This blog is part of my preparation for the 5-minute interview, and I'd like to hear your thoughts, too!

What is a New Year's resolution?

The New Year traditionally and metaphorically symbolizes a new beginning and a fresh start. We have many such symbols: the phoenix that rises from its ashes, the caterpillar that emerges as a butterfly, and the snake that sheds its old skin.

January 1 can mark the start of a new chapter in your life -- a chance to start over. Starting the year with a renewed sense of hope and optimism is both motivating and energizing.

Should I make New Year's (NY) resolutions?

As I see it, resolutions at any time of the year are useful. So if you appreciate having a high profile start date and can use the time leading up to the New Year to strategize on how to succeed, I say go for it! NY resolutions can help you kick off a bold new plan.

NY resolutions are especially good if you are:

Single-minded in the pursuit of achievements.
Disciplined and in the habit of working hard to get what you want.
Oriented towards a long-term goal such as completing an ironman competition, climbing Kilimanjaro, or saving money for a big goal.

NY resolutions are not ideal if you like to inch your way towards change, making gradual refinements over time. So don't make them if you:

Are not disciplined, determined, single-minded and resolute.
Don't like to make hard core decisions to do or not do something.
Have tried too many times and failed and your self-worth is prone to being damaged by failed NY resolutions.

I see two choices:

Don't make any - this is the easiest option and the default setting for many.
Make NY resolutions - follow the points below and you’ll have a greater chance of success.

Prepare mentally. Changing behavior is not easy, at all. If you are sitting on the fence, don't make any NY resolutions. You are better off reading up on the subject of interest (exercise, diet, finances, procrastination, you name it), reflecting on the benefits, and considering the long-term consequences of not making a change.

Set realistic goals. You might want to lose 15 or 50 pounds, but the key is translating that into a series of smaller and highly makable goals. For example, start with one of the ideas below and gradually add others:

Take healthy lunches to work.
Climb stairs at work or in the subway.
Plan and prepare meals so you don’t come home starving and eat everything in sight.
Stop buying junk food.
Learn how to relax so when feeling stressed, eating isn’t the first impulse.

Change via the tweak. Change is not an all or nothing proposition. Small and frequent, or little and often, can result in significant changes for the better.

Recognize when you are slipping back into old ways. Slipping up is part of the human conditions, so just make adjustments and keep on.

Resolution solutions

if you want support this New Year, you know where to find me.

Wishing you all the best in health and happiness in the New Year,
Coach Minda

On New Year Resolutions

Listen to CBC daybreak interview: https://soundcloud.com/minda-miloff/cbc-day-break-new-years-resolutions - Dec 30th, 2016
Watch CTV at Noon interview: http://montreal.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=1026950 - January 2, 2017

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Coach Minda

Building and sustaining relationships is central to my life. It is important to see people and things as they really are. I enjoy lots of different people and enjoy free and open discussions. I thrive on helping people resolve problems, turn around difficult relationships and see an optimistic future when others are stuck.

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New Year Resolutions 2017

This video project below captures testimonies from mentors who participated in Concordia University activities for graduates. When filming, each mentor shared notable experiences in their professional journey and offered best practices that have defined their professional success.