BLOG; Thoughts on the business of life and work

The downside of getting your buttons pushed

2/12/2019

The phrase getting your buttons pushed, “…originated in 1920s America, when domestic electricity was being installed on a massive scale. The ability to push a button to turn something on had a big impact on lifestyle, and the metaphor spilled over into other things which have an immediate effect — like being able to trigger a specific emotion". Google search

Buttons pushed

"I got my buttons pushed" or "he/she triggers me" are two comments that lead to really interesting coaching conversations. We all know that hair-trigger reaction: angry, hurt, offended, shamed etc.

How Mary got triggered and lost control
A colleague said something during a meeting that Mary took very personally. Her immediate internal reaction was that "was so unfair and uncalled for".

Without any self-awareness or self-control, Mary feels a surge of tremendous anger and verbally counter attacks. Her heart rate and blood pressure are high. Her body language shows just how upset she is. She is immediately embarrassed and is wondering if her reaction was out of proportion to the comment. The meeting continues but Mary is replaying what was said. Her mind is racing with negative thoughts. She goes back to her office after the meeting is over and isn’t able to concentrate. She doesn’t sleep well at all. The next day, there is tension between Mary and her colleague. Her boss schedules a meeting to discuss what happened.

We are emotional creatures and it is pretty much impossible to control our feelings. What and who triggers us and the intensity of our emotions varies hugely between people. What might irk me, wouldn’t bother you and vice versa. Factors such as personality and temperament, how intensely you feel about particular issues, the amount of un-managed stress , fatigue levels, your childhood history and how secure you are in your views and beliefs all play a role in how you FEEL emotions.

Sometimes we are totally justified to be angry or offended. There are offensive people out there who are prone to personal attacks, who shift blame on to others, and who say and do things that are hurtful. They are natural button pushers, and any counter attack with this kind of person will only serve to escalate the situation.

Even though we can't always control who we interact with, or how we feel about what they say and do, we do want to avoid acting out of control or being dominated by strong negative feelings to the detriment of our health or our relationships.

In order to control your reactions and responses however, you need emotional intelligence; self-awareness and self-management skills.

When we have a big reaction and irrationally explode inside without knowing why, this is a clue that whatever the trigger is; old insecurities, unresolved hurts or childhood wounds, it is probably well below the surface of our awareness. Becoming aware of what makes you flip out and activates the big emotions is really worthy of examination. Why? Because it is good for you!

Self-awareness is being able to perceive your own emotions in the moment and make sense of them. It offers clarity and insight into what triggers and gets a rise out of you, and allows you to tolerate a certain degree of negativity without imploding. It allows you to handle the discomfort that being triggered makes you feel. It also means you have control over your reactions so that you don’t say inappropriate things, escalate the conflict and damage relationships.

While self-awareness affords you the opportunity to understand yourself and feel self-compassion and, compassion for others when you feel triggered, self-management allows you to control your behavior and generate more positive interactions.

The next time a button-pusher hits your button, try to identify why you are angry or offended. Often, the work to figure it out and make peace with ‘it’, falls to you and you alone. Other times, without blaming or attacking, communicate what you feel or need to the button-pusher.

I should note that in spite of your best efforts to communicate and discuss, there are people who lack skill for dealing with conflict, don’t share responsibility for solving problems and are not interested in you and what you feel. Do not engage with them.

There are many books to read on how to develop self-awareness so that you can more effectively manage how to respond to being triggered. You can also work with me!

Don't be trigger-happy
Coach Minda

Other Getting Your Buttons Pushed blogs:

https://www.coachminda.com/blog/eye-of-the-storm
https://www.coachminda.com/blog/this-day-is-done

Coach Minda

When your professional and personal lives are in transition or at an impasse, Coach Minda provides the support, direction and feedback you need to make changes for the better. Minda helps procrastinators, perfectionists, self-doubters and decision-dodgers experience quick wins, work through roadblocks and stay motivated.

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Finding your way

1/12/2019

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A year ago today, (January 12, 2018), I had back surgery at The Montreal Neurological Institute. Six weeks post-surgery, in hopes to getting back to 'normal', I began physiotherapy and was committed to a daily exercise regimen. Without much warning, eight weeks into my recovery, I badly tore my meniscus and hamstring. These injuries set me back and 'normal' seemed unreachable.

While in the thick of a personal or professional crisis, a major upheaval or any disruptive life event, most of us temporarily lose our sense of normalcy and the feeling that our life has order, predictability and is under our control. It can be wickedly stressful to lose what you had or what was normal to you.

I don't want to minimize the challenges posed by any crisis, but there are a few shortcuts to regaining your bearings. First of all, reestablish or modify routines and habits that served you well in the past. Let go of the struggle to recover what was lost and focus on creating something new. Revisit and readjust your priorities. Set new goals. Ask how others have triumphed over adversity and dealt with hard knocks. Pay attention to how you think about things and the attitudes and beliefs you carry. How can a change in your thinking change your attitude and bring more peace and acceptance? Finding your normal requires persistence, focus, a whole lot of love and support, and good fortune to move from coping to thriving.

If you want to make changes to your normal, you don't need a crisis or life altering event to renew yourself.

Interestingly, no adverse life event interferes with my morning coffee routine. Some things never change.

Renewably yours,
Coach Minda

p.s An earlier blog, Cultivation of hope is the back story to my surgery. I wrote it to support those suffering from pain and to offer insight to those who see loved ones in some form of decline and suffering.

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What my coaching can do for you

5/19/2018

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Well coached greenery. Coming to life.

A new client remarked that he never considered working with a coach until a friend told him of his success working with one. I have the impression it might not occur to people that coaching is an option when you are looking for guidance and support or, even the development of a specific skill, like time management. I thought it would be a good idea to write a piece about what my coaching can do for you.

To avoid hounding you with a sales pitch, I thought instead to tell you a bit about the circumstances under which I chose to become a coach and about my approach to coaching. I think this will help to highlight what my coaching can do for you.
Of course, if you want to know what clients are saying about me, click here.

When considering a career as a coach six years ago, my three children were on the brink of moving out and on, I was exhausted and grief- stricken from an intense year taking care of my dying parents and my 20-year consulting career, as an instructional designer, trainer, facilitator and project manager was over. I was done.

No longer defined by my roles of daughter, hands-on mother and consultant and borne out of my desire for something new as well as my ambition to help and support people going through difficult times, I embarked on a certification program to become a coach.

My consulting work had exposed me to different work cultures, people and industries (e.g., pharmaceutical, telecommunication, railway, human rights education and health care research) where I had to quickly learn about the nature of the business, the service or product being sold and their markets and customers.

As an instructional designer, my work focused on developing large-scale training programs to address performance problems. This brought me into contact with subject-matter experts giving me a close-up view of specific business problems and challenges an organization faced.

As a project manager, I worked with busy health care professionals (e.g. oncology pharmacists, oncologists and urologists) – often the best in their fields. I was most concerned with producing high quality programs and running projects smoothly: on-time and on-budget For details about my Career History, click here.

No matter how sound the training I developed or how good an instructor I was or how keen the audience might have been, I never knew in what ways people benefited from all the effort invested in their training. Once people went back to the office, did they integrate or apply what they learned to their jobs? Did anything stick? I found that people lacked support, coaching, feedback, opportunities to practice what they had learned or the chance to ask questions they might not feel comfortable discussing in a training environment.

The transition from training to coaching was natural for me. I believe we are all capable of change at any stage of life. And any change, no matter how small, has the potential for significant impact on your life.

At the heart of my approach, is a deep concern for giving people what I think they need – personal follow-up and attention to integrate and apply workable and practical solutions to their everyday and even existential problems. And, lots of chances to get it right! Change takes time.

I try to use a light-hearted, humorous, open-minded and no-nonsense approach to guide, support and help people regain their confidence, change perspective on a situation or difficult relationship, see an optimistic future, carve out a way of life that is more appealing than the status quo and learn new habits (e.g. regular exercise, better sleep routines or lose weight), new practices (e.g, relaxation exercises or meditation) or skills (e.g. time management and stress management) that can be applied to daily life.

If I were to nutshell it, I would say my coaching can help you find more zest, hope, energy and more meaning, balance and satisfaction in your work and life.

Try it, you'll like it!
Coach Minda
coachmindamiloff@gmail.com
514-791-4506

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Open your heart

12/10/2017

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We have all heard the expression or used the expression you need to "learn how to love yourself", as a response to someone who is overly critical of themselves, lacks in self-care practices, doesn't set healthy boundaries, suffers from low self-esteem or is unhappy about their life. It is a catch all phrase to mean: Make some changes or your life is going to go south fast.

This expression has never agreed with me.

I believe we must counterbalance our critical side with more self-compassion and kindness. I prefer expressions that imply strengthening our capacity to accept, respect and appreciate oneself. Loving oneself is a directive intended to bring this about, but as a saying, I reserve it for clients who really deserve a night out away from their kids or maybe permission to splurge a bit. It does not inspire or provoke (in me) any action to rise up and overcome a challenge, make peace with oneself or counter any self-criticism.

Self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect or self-appreciation starts with learning:

Not to identify and believe every thought your mind generates
Not to take your thoughts too seriously
To embrace all of you - the good, the bad and the ugly
To cut yourself some slack (unless you are already slacking off)

I can help you with the rest.

In kindness and compassion,
Coach Minda

I am a work-life coach. I coach people who want to improve their professional and personal lives. I will help you find more zest, hope and energy and more meaning, balance and satisfaction in your work and life.

Click CONTACT to set up your first coaching session.

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Coach Minda

Building and sustaining relationships is central to my life. It is important to see people and things as they really are. I enjoy lots of different people and enjoy free and open discussions. I thrive on helping people resolve problems, turn around difficult relationships and see an optimistic future when others are stuck.

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New Year Resolutions 2017

This video project below captures testimonies from mentors who participated in Concordia University activities for graduates. When filming, each mentor shared notable experiences in their professional journey and offered best practices that have defined their professional success.

The downside of getting your buttons pushed

Buttons pushed

Coach Minda

Finding your way

What my coaching can do for you

Open your heart

Coach Minda

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