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These blogs are a way to share my thoughts and insights with you. Feel free to comment and share.

Thanks for the feedback!

20/9/2014

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I found the recently published book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, (Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen) very helpful in highlighting the profound challenge of giving and receiving feedback. They provide a framework and tools to help us “metabolize” challenging feedback in order to learn, grow and gain insight from how others see and experience us. 

When the authors surveyed people across a variety of professional and personal settings about what is their most difficult conversation, feedback always came up.

What they found (and my own training work corroborates) is a manager trained to be more skilful in how they give feedback will not be effective if the receiver isn’t able or willing to hear it.

The authors focus their efforts on helping us as receivers of feedback to "manage our resistance, to engage in feedback conversations with confidence and curiosity even when we find the feedback wrong and to learn from the feedback in spite of who gives it and whether we agree with it."

It’s difficult to give honest (negative) feedback about someone’s work, performance, behavior or how we feel about them, without the receiver:

  • Getting upset, defensive, argumentative or feel unappreciated
  • Thinking the giver has no business offering an opinion or isn’t qualified to do so
  • Feeling the giver doesn’t understand what he/she does or the constraints he/she is under
  • Becoming even less motivated or more shut down

In short, receiving negative feedback is hard and painful. Most of us struggle with it. Personally, most days, I prefer flattery, praise, compliments and appreciation!

But we don’t always get what we want.

This book makes you notice your own shortcomings  and blind spots in giving feedback and in receiving feedback. 

The importance of learning how to manage negative feedback can be summed up by:


  • Shutting out negative feedback leads to all kinds of problems in work and personal relationships
  • Our ability to deal with other peoples complaints about us, our willingness to accept influence and input from others makes us easier people to live with, to like and to collaborate and problem-solve with

According to the authors' research, one’s temperament and wiring has a significant influence on how we respond to perceived negative feedback and how well we bounce back.

  • For some people, any negative feedback lands hard. Especially so when it comes from certain people. You might feel sick to your stomach. Defensive. Argumentative. Really hurt. Negative feedback can leave you feeling deflated, hurt and demoralized.
  • For other people, negative feedback doesn’t cause the same deep upset. Like water off a duck – it rolls off more easily. Feedback instead of getting ‘supersized’ and blown out of proportion focuses your attention only on specific things you might want to change or improve on. While it might be painful or challenging, it doesn’t overwhelm.

A few take-aways:

  • Before you immediately dismiss the substance of the feedback as untrue or not-the whole story, try to listen to what the other person is saying and be open to seeing yourself through the eyes of the giver  (Rating: quite hard)
  • Work on quieting the internal voice that wants to dismiss the feedback because of your relationship with the giver - you believe the giver has no credibility, has no right, is arrogant, stupid, etc (Rating: much harder)
  • Focus on what identity triggers the feedback is activating – what part of you is coming undone, feels ashamed, embarrassed or off balance? (Rating: hard as hell)
  • One doesn’t have to agree with the feedback but can still engage in the conversation with curiosity and thoughtfulness and ask – “tell me more” (Rating: hard, but can be done)
  • We should express more appreciation, thanks and acknowledgment to those around us (Rating: easily done)

Any feedback?

Coach Minda

If you are interested in better understanding how and why difficult emotions get whipped up and want to find more productive ways to respond, read my other blogs (use search feature): Eye of the storm, The Wandering mind and the art of listening


1 Comment

Unforbidden Fruit

4/9/2014

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Looking ahead to this year's crop of honeycrisp apples, I decided to re-publish this blog which first appeared on September 21, 2013.

The special offer below still applies!
Promotion code: Honeycrisp



Maples are already forecasting fall in the Laurentians, colouring the hills just north of Montreal, where the temperature is always a notch colder.

Beyond the explosion of color that will run into October (red maple turns brilliant scarlet; sugar maple becomes orange-red; black maple turns glowing yellow; while fir, cedar and spruce stay various shades of green and even blue), I’m most excited about gorging on Honeycrisp apples (yellow with red highlights) that I plan to pick up this week at a farm. A forty-pound box. Can’t wait.

I grew up in a family that revered apples – they were associated with affordable good health with a touch of luxury, doled out as snacks, desserts and as a reward for a task well done. My mother and I proudly ate the whole apple, core and all.  When in season, eating a Macintosh brought on a chorus of comments about its sweetness, firmness, and tartness. The less than perfect apples were turned into applesauce or apple betty.  

Over dinner last night, I interrupted and then refocused the conversation to what was on my mind – apples. I know that being impatient for an apple to be harvested before it is ripe makes no sense.  But I needed to talk about how eating the creamy flesh of a fist-sized Honeycrisp is in itself a complete experience – with a beginning, middle and end.

I said to my friend, “I need to tell you how it works. It’s not a usual experience. Each bite has a soft crunchy snap (not like the hard crunch of a Mac) and sweet juiciness. With each crispy bite you marvel in disbelief at its goodness. Each bite begets another bite. I am not proud to say it, but I am selfish about these apples and only offer one to visitors as they leave my house. No more than one.”

Convinced by my animated hand gestures, she kindly said, “I believe you, there must be no other apple like it and let’s plan a trip to pick some.”   

That’s the power of having a personal conviction, and the passion to make others see it your way. And if there is a touch of pleasure in it, all the better.  I hope each of you are persuaded and inspired to rally around a cause of your choosing! You might find you are building a following.

What are you excited about this month? What would you like to be excited about?


Keep me posted,

Coach Minda
Special: If you sign up for one month of coaching by September 15th, you will receive a free apple with every coaching session!  That's four of the best apples you'll ever have, not to mention the best coaching sessions. Promotion code: Honeycrisp
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