The un-balancing act

In the book, "The Three Marriages", David Whyte, poet-author explains how we exhaust ourselves trying to separate and balance three core relationships in our life. The three marriages are to:

• Our partner and family (people we have close relationships with)
  
• Our work
• Our self
  
  

These are not in his opinion separate commitments, but different expressions of how we each belong in the world. And in trying to maintain these three marriages as distinct, we create unnecessary competition and rivalry between our various needs and desires with the potential in the end, for neglecting one or the other.

Instead of thinking about our life in terms of work-life balance, he asks us to knit these relationships together and to see how the core commitments to each are connected and integrated.

He is a poet first and his book isn't written as a self-help "how-to" one. It takes a few reads I think. His underlying thesis is helpful in framing many of the challenges we face in our three marriages.

It is safe to say we enter into the first marriage with a lot of preconceived ideas of how it will work and how good it will be.  As our mutual imperfections bubble and rise to the surface we discover how difficult it is.

As I begin to coach couples, I feel a few of David Whyte's ideas might be helpful.

We need to:

• Not be afraid of conversations that highlight the different wants and desires between partners in the three marriages
  

• Respect and honor the desires each partner holds in the three marriages
• Recognize how our core relationships are a living and breathing entity that if neglected, stifle all three marriages
  
• Not expect any of the three marriages to deliver all our happiness
  
  

Marriage-on,
Coach Minda