Thanks for the feedback!

I found the recently published book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, (Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen) very helpful in highlighting the profound challenge of giving and receiving feedback. They provide a framework and tools to help us “metabolize” challenging feedback in order to learn, grow and gain insight from how others see and experience us. 

When the authors surveyed people across a variety of professional and personal settings about what is their most difficult conversation, feedback always came up.

What they found (and my own training work corroborates) is a manager trained to be more skilful in how they give feedback will not be effective if the receiver isn’t able or willing to hear it.

The authors focus their efforts on helping us as receivers of feedback to "manage our resistance, to engage in feedback conversations with confidence and curiosity even when we find the feedback wrong and to learn from the feedback in spite of who gives it and whether we agree with it."

It’s difficult to give honest (negative) feedback about someone’s work, performance, behavior or how we feel about them, without the receiver:

• Getting upset, defensive, argumentative or feel unappreciated
• Thinking the giver has no business offering an opinion or isn’t qualified to do so
• Feeling the giver doesn’t understand what he/she does or the constraints he/she is under
• Becoming even less motivated or more shut down

In short, receiving negative feedback is hard and painful. Most of us struggle with it. Personally, most days, I prefer flattery, praise, compliments and appreciation!

But we don’t always get what we want.

This book makes you notice your own shortcomings  and blind spots in giving feedback and in receiving feedback. 

The importance of learning how to manage negative feedback can be summed up by:

• Shutting out negative feedback leads to all kinds of problems in work and personal relationships
• Our ability to deal with other peoples complaints about us, our willingness to accept influence and input from others makes us easier people to live with, to like and to collaborate and problem-solve with

According to the authors' research, one’s temperament and wiring has a significant influence on how we respond to perceived negative feedback and how well we bounce back.

• For some people, any negative feedback lands hard. Especially so when it comes from certain people. You might feel sick to your stomach. Defensive. Argumentative. Really hurt. Negative feedback can leave you feeling deflated, hurt and demoralized.
• For other people, negative feedback doesn’t cause the same deep upset. Like water off a duck – it rolls off more easily. Feedback instead of getting ‘supersized’ and blown out of proportion focuses your attention only on specific things you might want to change or improve on. While it might be painful or challenging, it doesn’t overwhelm.


A few take-aways:

• Before you immediately dismiss the substance of the feedback as untrue or not-the whole story, try to listen to what the other person is saying and be open to seeing yourself through the eyes of the giver  (Rating: quite hard)
• Work on quieting the internal voice that wants to dismiss the feedback because of your relationship with the giver - you believe the giver has no credibility, has no right, is arrogant, stupid, etc (Rating: much harder)
• Focus on what identity triggers the feedback is activating – what part of you is coming undone, feels ashamed, embarrassed or off balance? (Rating: hard as hell)
• One doesn’t have to agree with the feedback but can still engage in the conversation with curiosity and thoughtfulness and ask – “tell me more” (Rating: hard, but can be done)
• We should express more appreciation, thanks and acknowledgment to those around us (Rating: easily done)

Any feedback?

Coach Minda

If you are interested in better understanding how and why difficult emotions get whipped up and want to find more productive ways to respond, read my other blogs (use search feature): Eye of the storm, The Wandering mind and the art of listening

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