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Sacrifice - not a winning solution

25/2/2014

Formal negotiations are a key part of communication — in law, business, politics and war (when the fighting is over, that is).

Informal negotiations are an everyday part of our lives — at work, at home and in our important relationships.

I am not an expert in the art of negotiation. I'm not sure I'm even good. But I have been working hard over the years to develop a few of the key skills and techniques required to create more win-win outcomes.

Here are my top four:

Give the other person a chance to tell you how he/she feels, without interruption and the need to correct
Listen, with the intention to truly understand the other person's point of view and what is being communicated
Be thoughtful, pleasant and considerate during your discussion
Resist the desire to be right and for the other to be wrong

Willard Harley, a marriage counsellor and clinical psychologist who teaches couples a win-win approach to negotiation, explains in his book He Wins She Wins the following: Marriages do not hold up over the long term when disputes and differences are generally resolved by having one partner sacrifice/lose so the other partner can win.

While sacrifice as a strategy can work well when you are dating (i.e., who hasn't spent time doing things you really didn't have an interest in during the early days?), it doesn't take much time before sacrifice/losing becomes both expected and unappreciated.

Letting your spouse "win" as an act of caring usually leads to one partner being unhappy and resentful. Bit by bit, it eats away at loving relationships. Both parties need to be willing in good faith to reach an agreement that satisfies both sides.

Add this:

Don't sacrifice as a negotiating strategy

The art of negotiation is way more complicated. But in simplistic terms, these skills and techniques go a very long way toward improving our ability to:

Come to an agreement
Get what one wants
Make decisions
Resolve differences or disputes

Negotiate well,
Coach Minda

For more insights into listening and understanding another persons point of view, check out two blogs: The Wandering Mind & The Art of Perspective

25 Comments

Lisa

25/2/2014 01:41:50 pm

Hi Minda,
Love the James Taylor song! This post reminds me of my first degree in Industrial Relations. My most interesting course was Collective Bargaining in which we spent the whole semester negotiating a contract, of course. Wow! It was a challenge. Your list of four points are dead on, with the second I found to be the hardest and still a work in progress:) A helpful book that I read back then and still helpful today is "Getting to Yes" by Fisher, Ury & Patton. Many say it has helped them in their every day communications.

Minda

25/2/2014 02:00:32 pm

Hi Lisa,

Yes, it's mighty hard!! But, all around better for healthier, kinder and more loving relationships.

Lucky that you had this experience negotiating a contract. We should all take courses where we have to apply the theory - into skills!

Thanks for the book title.

Keep up the work in progress...

Cheryl link

26/2/2014 12:26:18 am

Great post Minda!! I will have to get my hands on that book and on the one Lisa mentioned.

26/2/2014 12:57:29 am

Glad you liked the post. I appreciate and agree with the idea that sacrifice isn't a viable solution to long term happy relationships. He also seems to view the supremacy of our primary relationships (spouses) and that all decisions need to satisfy both partners. At this point, it starts to feel like "sacrificing" to me..... Thanks Cheryl

Danielle

11/3/2014 12:11:52 pm

Without interruption..resist the desire to be right...outch! Not always easy. I will read this over and over Minda and ...I will make my husband read it too LOL! Great posting !

13/3/2014 03:43:46 am

Not easy at all!! I don't know where we learned that being right is right.... thanks Danielle

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