Weeks ago, I borrowed three bags of books from the personal library of one of my brothers, including: Buddhism and Psychotherapy, After the Affair, The Future of Love, Emotions and The Wisdom of the Enneagram. Not light reading!
I also ordered myself a few books through Amazon – treats for a long-time library-goer. One purchase was The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. The cover shows a confident man with a perfect tan and teeth, who appears to be saying, "read this book and learn how to become rich, successful, powerful and fulfilled like me.” Because I'm in a line of work where helping people get from where they are to where they want to be, I figured someone who has had seven books to date on the New York Times Bestseller list must know something about success. The thesis of Canfield’s book: Once you decide what you want, you can have it. You just have to adopt the underlying principles and techniques he outlines over 552 pages, and work hard within that framework. A key principle is that we must take 100% personal responsibility for our lives, even when the circumstances are difficult. 100% responsibility means not blaming others for parts of our lives we don't like “This means having to give up all your excuses, all your victim stories, all the reasons why you can't and why you haven't up until now, and all your blaming of outside circumstances. You have to give them all up forever,” Canfield writes. Ouch! But I agree. Even if there are a few people you could easily blame and complain about, it is a waste of time. There is no benefit to blame. It leaves you angry and resentful and leads to many self-defeating thoughts and behaviours. Two other principles Canfield stresses are 1) being clear on why you are here and 2) deciding what you want to be. It's hard to disagree with the premise that certainty and clarity serve as excellent organizing principles for the pursuit of success. If you have a vision it's a lot easier to move towards its fulfillment – less chance of being sidetracked, drifting, or wasting time. Canfield writes often about unleashing the power of goal setting to realize your vision. From writing down your goals in great detail, to reading them daily, to being accountable to another person for their realization – goal setting is fundamental to getting ahead. Again, you can’t argue with this strategy for making good things happen. The underlying assumption seems to be that working hard and doing well not only bring success but happiness. The Success Principles have worked for Canfield and for many other impressive people who came from nothing and were able to create great wealth for themselves and others. But it seems like more work (552 pages) than some of us might be willing to invest in ourselves! Here is an alternate view – the lazy person’s road to success (1 page at best) Instead of a big vision you focus on a small one. Instead of being a super achiever concentrate on a few areas that, with a few changes and tweaks, could make you significantly happier. For example, the rewards of saving so you worry less about money, investing effort in better relationships, seeking a more fulfilling job, or taking up a hobby. Experiencing gratitude. More exercise and a better diet. Instead of adopting a heightened sense of personal purpose and working through goals in a systematic way, start by having higher expectations for yourself than you have now. Commit to meeting these expectations, then exceed a few. Instead of reaching for the stars or for what feels beyond your grasp, start where you are right now:
And take 100% personal responsibility for your life – Jack Canfield is 100% right! Successfully and somewhat lazily yours, Coach Minda
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Our ability to focus, concentrate and stay motivated fluctuates in response to the gazillion distractions, thoughts and feelings we experience in a day. All this tests one’s energy level – and personal energy is a precious resource. A sampling of the distractions and stimuli that may de-energize and throw us off include:
Each of us can easily add specific personal examples of the distractions that get in the way of our higher priority interests or goals. It goes without saying that the online world, smart phones and too much information in general can sap energy levels. From my own experience and from years of coaching people who are ultimately seeking solutions on how to become more effective, more productive, and more balanced, a big part of the answer lies in directing your energy so you focus on working toward your priorities:
The better you manage your energy, the better you manage your time Years ago I started paying significant attention to recognizing two extremes: 1) when I felt energized, confident and motivated; and 2) when I felt drained, distracted, depleted or unfocused. This led me to create a workshop on how to harness your energy in order to improve your time management skills. I have given it several times, with good results. The underlying thesis: The better you manage your energy, the better you manage your time. The benefits include increased focus, concentration, motivation and engagement – all of which underlie professional and personal effectiveness. If you want to be a better manager of your energy and time, think about what using time well means to you. Consider which routines and practices (AKA good habits) are worth developing and how might you overcome some of your internal challenges (AKA bad habits). Also, think about how you can make choices and decisions aligned with your goals, interests or priorities – and not against them. Get Energized, Coach Minda Coach Minda has developed, implemented and managed educational and training programs for over twenty years – for blue chip companies, professional associations and non-profit organizations.
In my coaching practice I help clients develop routines and practices to effectively use time to achieve professional and personal goals. Visit my www.coachminda.com to learn more about my work history and achievements. Part 1 of a 4-day experiment: Starting point A close friend faced a snowy two-hour drive to a meditation retreat, over the holidays. Three days of silence. No talking or reading, no radio or TV, no phone or computer. No eye contact either. In my opinion, it takes guts to commit to three full days of meditation and silence, even for someone who meditates once a day if not twice. We have meditated together many times. My longstanding interest in meditation was reawakened a few years ago through a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course, modeled on classes developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D., at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. The course introduces mindfulness through guided meditation, group dialogue, and home practice. In hospitals it has been used as a complement to conventional medical treatment of illnesses, chronic pain, anxiety and depression. For the rest of us, the course is a practical intro. In my case, it made meditation part of my life. As a coach, I introduce meditation in five-minute sessions to those clients who want to learn how to quiet their minds and avoid the distractions of too many crashing thoughts and feelings. I have also led longer meditation sessions over Skype. Yes, you can meditate together at a distance. In my personal life, however, I have fallen off the daily meditation wagon in recent months and taken to meditating only when the mood strikes. With the holidays coming up, I was looking forward to restarting daily meditations while away in the country. Against this backdrop, and with my friend’s first-ever meditation retreat in mind, I called while she was driving in the snow to the centre: “Would you like it if I meditate with you each day? I’ll keep you company.” She was delighted so I said excitedly: “Should we set a time to ‘connect’ or just see what happens?” Not wanting to pin either or us down, I answered my own question: “How about I just find you in outer space each day?” She loved the idea of connecting at a distance, or, rather, in outer space. So did I. Mindfulness is an emotionally accepting and non-reactive state of mind. When one is mindful, we simply accept whatever arises, without judging it as good or bad. Mindful meditation calls for us to be concerned with whatever arises in the here and now, and having the self-awareness to return to port whenever thoughts threaten to take us elsewhere. Part 2 of a 4-day experiment: Learning how to connect in outer space Late in my first afternoon in the country, as dusk fell, I realized my friend would at that time be filing into the first meditation session of her three-day retreat. So I decided to fit in a quick meditation session of my own and connect with her, to keep my end of the bargain. I did make a promise. To set the stage I made a fire and once it was blazing sat before the fireplace in an old wooden chair without a back. Slightly uncomfortable. I set the meditation app on my phone for 20 minutes. My front was warm and my back was cold. I was uncomfortable and very aware of it. I sat straighter, to ease my sore back. My throat was tight and I kept swallowing. The air was dry. I looked for my friend by scanning the horizon of outer space – or was it inner space? – until I found her! This settled my mind. My breathing, too. I was still not comfortable in my back or shoulders, but tried to be mindful about this, and not let it get in the way. I was happy when the app’s gong dinged to end the session. Even happier that we had connected. Part 3 of a 4-day experiment: The morning after I had planned after my previous meditation to do it again first thing after my morning coffee, so when the time came I was ready, mentally, to sit calmly and meditate. To ready myself physically, I chose a proper chair and stuffed a cushion behind my back, then put on an extra fleece top for warmth. My husband joined me, too. My mind was quiet – the right mental state. No racing thoughts competed for attention. I focused on breathing: taking a breath in while rolling my eyes up, then lowering my eyes when I exhaled. I noticed a dominant feeling around my left eye – like the shadow thrown by a cloud on a sunny summer day. This generated thoughts about left brain and right brain processes. I caught myself, dropped the brainy stuff, and concentrated instead on diffusing the feeling around my eye. I then remembered I had to look for my meditating friend on her retreat, as planned. I felt I was hovering 100 feet in the air, scanning the retreat centre. I found her easily, without really trying, among the other meditators. My mind was quiet and I felt myself smiling. Surprisingly, one of my old clients appeared and I said something to him. As soon as I realized I was lost in a coaching conversation, the app gong dinged and the 30-minute session was over. My husband and I turned to one another and both said: “Meditation is a good thing, isn’t it?” Early in this session I realized that, to document my process of meditation while also keeping the spirit of mindfulness, I had to stop trying to memorize what was going on in my mind. I had to trust I would be able to capture the essence of the meditation through stream of consciousness notes right after the session. This blog is an edited version of those notes. Part 4 of a 4-day experiment: Meditating with company in the house I was looking forward to this meditation and, even though friends were visiting I had no difficulty getting to it, pulling up a chair, and setting my app timer.
I settled into my breathing almost immediately after closing my eyes. I felt right away over my right eye the shadow that had hovered over my left eye in the previous meditation. For a moment I thought I’m neither left or right brain dominant – as if this should be a point of pride. I continued to observe my breathing. I noticed I was trying again to describe in words the meditation experience to help me remember interesting details for this blog. (This was despite the commitment described above to drop the memorization and trust to post-meditation notes.) I managed to stop converting the experience into words and went back to my breathing. (This repeated desire to wordify the meditation reflects my interest in talking things out)! I then remembered – again – I was supposed to be looking for my friend. I scanned a large room filled with rows of meditators in the lotus position and rows of meditators seated in chairs. I found her in a chair and we sat together until the feeling of connection faded. I lost any sense of time. I had an overwhelming feeling that, on my deathbed, I would like a certain person to be there with me. Heat filled the space around my heart and radiated. My eyes filled with tears. The gong dinged, I opened my eyes, and wiped away the tears. Experimentally, Mindfully and Mindafully yours, Coach Minda While I am a good short order cook and can make a healthy and tasty meal without a recipe, I don’t bake much. If and when I bake, I use a recipe – to a point. There are those who suspect the reason why my baking isn’t famously delicious is this bias for recipe tampering. It generally amounts to reducing the sugar or oil – putting healthfulness ahead of flavor – or making impromptu substitutions.
Over the holidays, with still a few dozen-honey crisp apples left over from the four bushels I bought this fall, I decided baking an apple cake would be a good idea. I would make a large one, keep most of it for the family and give away a portion. I followed the recipe perfectly. No reductions or substitutions. Full portions of sugar and spice and oil. I peeled 15 large apples, then turned to my trusty hand held slicer for the slicing. The slicer is extremely quick – appealing to my short order mentality – and sharp. So I have one rule – always use the hand protector over whatever I’m slicing. Only this time I did not use the hand protector, reasoning that the apple core would provide protection as long as I rotated each apple carefully. This went well for 14 apples then, while slicing the last one, I yelped. I must admit that I had simultaneously tried to speed up the slicing while my mind drifted off to another subject. Two fingertips were bleeding. Throbbing, too. I grabbed the cleanest dishcloth and wrapped my fingers tightly to stem the blood flow. I washed and disinfected my fingertips but found the sting was worse than the throb. I made a bandage. As blood soaked through the cloth, then through the gauze and tape, I managed to layer the first pan with the batter, added the apples, and then another layer of batter. Just like the recipe said. I put it in the oven, at the prescribed temperature, then had some time to find a solution to stop the bleeding. I wrapped my fingers again with fresh gauze, held them in the air and applied pressure. I also set a timer for 15 minutes. When the buzzer went off, the bleeding had mostly stopped. As I re-bandaged, I noticed that a slice of skin was missing from the side of one fingertip – about the size of a match head. Also missing was a similarly sized piece of fingernail. I couldn’t quite risk giving an apple cake gift with finger bits as added ingredients so I set out to make fresh cake. This time, I didn’t break my cardinal rule of always, without fail, using the hand protector when slicing. I am proud to say, both cakes turned out exceptionally well. And, ten days later, my fingers are healing perfectly. Apple cake lessons that can apply to other slices of one’s life.
Mindfully yours, Coach Minda, |
My family, relationships, movement, nature, flexibility of mind, exploration of alternative perspectives & openness are central to my life.Archives
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