On making decisions

3/12/2015

Some decisions are really complicated and we, suffer immeasurably to figure it out.

Who hasn't had angst about whether he/she should?

Quit a job
Move to a new location
Stop having a beating heart for someone
Say goodbye to a friend or leave a long-term relationship

When we want to decide and we aren't sure of what is the best decision, uncertainty kicks in and starts our thoughts swirling around and around in our head. How do we know if and when it's okay to quit or to walk away? Or to invite something new into our lives?

We ask ourselves a hundred variations on these kinds of questions:

Did we explore all the options?
Were we fair or reasonable in our expectations?
Did we really give it our best?
Do we need to be courageous and try something new or are we to persevere in light of our challenge?
Should we trust that things will work out or are we being dysfunctionally hopeful?

We try different methods to problem solve. The first line of defence often goes to making imaginary columns of pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages or risks and benefits. When the answer still doesn't conclusively reveal itself, or we are still reluctant to take action, we can ask what does our heart or intuition or body have to say. Other tried and true ways to find the "best" decision are looking for signs in our dreams. Or meditate. Or, go for long walks communing with nature. Or, ask all our friends for their thoughts on what we should do.

I like to think that as we gain more experience with difficult decisions, we shift our perspective from judging them as good or bad, right or wrong or this or that and instead, recognize the paradox of duality.

I think we might find a more creative approach and less painful one if we can see the worth of all options. We don't need to be strictly for one side or against the other. If we can respectfully value the different voices clamoring for a part in the decision (our attention), we can respond with a heart and mind more at ease and with a fuller and more mature insight.

This process of making a decision and the result of our decision, I feel leaves us less conflicted and more mentally calm. I think too, this approach leaves us more resilient if our decision doesn’t work out according to our expectations.

I'd like to hear your stories or thoughts on making decisions...when both sides seem strongly compelling.

In duality,
Coach Minda

4 Comments

Coach Minda

Building and sustaining relationships is central to my life. It is important to see people and things as they really are. I enjoy lots of different people and enjoy free and open discussions. I thrive on helping people resolve problems, turn around difficult relationships and see an optimistic future when others are stuck.

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Hugues Sirgent

3/12/2015 08:56:24 am

To be sure , the first step in making a difficult , even heart-wrenching decision , is to stabilize the decision-making platform . It is as true of the athlete about to dive off the high board as it is of the sharpshooter ,olympic or military . Some will say tha is more easily said than done ,but that is where the initial effort must be made , and there are multiple ways of going about it , depending on your tradition , personality or degree of self-knowledge .

3/13/2015 01:15:35 am

I guess this is where we could use the most help - in stabilizing the decision-making platform, to move from a position of strength. If you have any more thoughts on how one would go about it, I would like to hear. Much thanks, Hughes

MIRIAM CHERNIAK

3/12/2015 12:53:51 pm

Thanks for that Minda. I loved the way you made the point that we don't have to be strictly for one side or against the other. I often tell my clients, and myself, that the decision you make has to be the right one, as you can never know what would have happened if you'd made a different decision.

Minda

3/13/2015 01:22:03 am

The notion of not being strictly for or against, which I quite like too, came out of an informal conversation I had with a stranger on a bus last week. He was a Jungian, with deep religious faith. It softens the internal argument, the in-house (head) fighting and creates a whole new way of seeing. Thanks again Miriam.

On making decisions