COACH MINDA
  • AT A GLANCE
  • SPECIALITIES
  • - Personal Challenges
  • - Work Challenges
  • - Well-Being
  • CONTACT
  • BLOG
  • TESTIMONIALS
  • CAREER HISTORY
  • ACHIEVEMENTS
  • GLOSSARY
  • AGREEMENT & QUESTIONNAIRE
  • WORKSHOP questionnaire
  • AT A GLANCE
  • SPECIALITIES
  • - Personal Challenges
  • - Work Challenges
  • - Well-Being
  • CONTACT
  • BLOG
  • TESTIMONIALS
  • CAREER HISTORY
  • ACHIEVEMENTS
  • GLOSSARY
  • AGREEMENT & QUESTIONNAIRE
  • WORKSHOP questionnaire
Call for an appointment (514) 791- 4506
Coach Minda's

BLOG

    Sign up for my blog
Notify Me
'> Picture
These blogs are a way to share my thoughts and insights with you. Feel free to comment and share.

Meeting the shadow

9/11/2015

10 Comments

 
Picture






"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” C.G Jung

Lacking a worthwhile subject to blog about and seeking inspiration I picked up one of my go–to books: Meeting the Shadow, The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature.  It is a collection of 65 essays that explore the power and many sides of the dark side of human nature.
 
For some time now I have been trying to understand and translate into practical terms:
  • What is the shadow?
  • How does the shadow give us trouble in our daily life?
  • How might knowing the shadow heal us?
 
What is the shadow?
The shadow, in Jungian terms, is the negative aspects of our personality – the imperfect and disowned parts of ourselves that we have unconsciously pushed away, hidden and buried deep within ourselves. 
 
During our early years, personality traits or qualities that are not compatible with the dominant ideals, values and aspirations of our parents, teachers or peers are generally rejected, shunned, criticized and devalued.
 
As part of the moral development of children parents routinely say: Stop being so angry all the time… You must share… Don’t be selfish… Lying is sinful… It’s important to be strong… Crying is for babies. 
 
The message we get over and over is: You can’t be like this – you need to be like that!
  • If being generous and selfless were highly valued in your family – then anytime you behaved in a way that was selfish or unkind would be criticized. 
  • If being a good girl in your family meant sitting still, being quiet, and acting lady like – then acting like a tomboy, being rambunctious or looking too sexy, would be criticized.
In short, selfish, unkind, sexy and tomboyish were not acceptable.  Not to mention rambunctious. And these negative aspects of your personality would be banished to your shadow personality.
 
We also reject aspects of our personality that don’t conform to our own self-image.
 
For example:
  • One’s desire for success feels out of place with friends who see competitiveness and a drive to make money as distasteful
  • One’s natural goofiness and silliness feels out of place with friends that aspire to seriousness and sophistication
  • One’s artistic leanings feels out of place with friends who are business- oriented
 
To secure love and affection, to be liked and valued, we often need to hide unwelcome and undesirable attitudes emotions and behaviors. In other words, the shadow, which represents all that is unacceptable.
 
In daily experience, the shadow is deeply hidden from one’s conscious awareness of the self.

“Rage…jealousy…lying… resentment… blaming…greed…These forbidden feelings and behaviors arise from the dark, denied part of ourselves – the personal shadow. Everyone has a shadow, which begins to develop in childhood as a result of stuffing away negative feelings in order to build a proper ego. We encounter our shadow when we feel an unexplainable dislike of someone, when we uncover a long-buried, unacceptable trait in ourselves, or when we feel overwhelmed by anger, envy or shame”. Meeting the Shadow, The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature, edited by Connie Zweig and Jeremiah Abrams 
 
How does the shadow give us trouble?
The shadow works in mysterious and unexpected ways. We are alerted to its presence when we have strong disproportionate reactions and aversions to perceived negative qualities in someone else.
 
Let’s say you have a friend who regularly goes to the spa, gets her hair and nails done each week and buys small luxuries you believe she can’t afford. You are critical about her priorities, her needs for instant gratification, her personal indulgences and how she uses her money.

On further reflection, you recognize that this overly critical, judgmental, intolerant or even threatened reaction is attributed to your own shadow. You see the ways in which you have deprived yourself of any self-indulgences, small pleasures and have been overly frugal and dispirited from self-denial. 

By getting to know your shadow, you gain broader awareness of you hidden side – the feelings, desires or behaviors that you have denied in yourself.  Pleasures, indulgences and behaviors that live in the shadow.
 
We see ourselves for all that we would like to be, but not always all that we are.  
 
How does knowing the shadow heal us?

Becoming intimate with our shadow allows us to open up to and embrace all that we are – the good, bad and the ugly. Such awareness and openness is healing. It helps to regulate reactions, moods and improve relationships.
 
Doing so is known as shadow-work.
 
It is all about befriending our shadow and making peace with our whole self and not just our favorite high-grade superior self, but our inferior one too.
 
Self-awareness underlies personal growth. More self-acceptance of our own shadow means too that we become more tolerant, less judgmental and less negatively inclined towards others who express our shadow qualities. 
 
Accepting those disclaimed parts of us also means that we can make choices about how and when we express our shadow tendencies. Yes, we can be selfish, impractical, indulgent, un-ladylike or more ladylike.

We can, with full awareness, experience our forbidden feelings: Rage…jealousy… resentment… blaming…greed and know they are unavoidably ours.

 
One with the shadow,
Coach Minda


 #shadow, #Jungianshadow, #shadow-work
 

10 Comments
Andre D
9/11/2015 03:22:45 pm

What I believe will allow us to identify the shadow is the ability to develop self-awareness; I catch myself thinking negative thoughts, and what these thoughts do is, as devilish as it seems, continue to cast a shadow because I "believe" what I think, even if it's wrong or askew from what is fact or real. A while back I read about this concept: we can chose between the "circle of influence" or the "circle of concern" where the former is like a container in which we put all those events you can actually control (books you read, food you eat, etc.). The circle of concern is filled with things, events you cannot control, like the weather, the economy, etc. Focus on what you can control and don't focus on what you can't, it'll make for a more fulfilling life with less stress and more joy.

Reply
Minda
9/11/2015 03:45:46 pm

Hi Andre,
You are right. Self-awareness is key. It is like the meditative moment when you catch yourself lost in thoughts and stories and come back to the breath. I like the image of "circle of influence" or the "circle of concern." Thanks for your blog comment.

Reply
Draft Dodger No More link
9/11/2015 08:09:23 pm

What a terrific topic is the shadow and a great accompanying song!

A great yearning need is to be lovingly connected to and know our own self which both lives above ground in the glorious sunlight of its radiant conscious awareness, as well as below ground in the darkness from which it has grown and is also rooted and nourished.

Reply
Minda
10/11/2015 08:30:04 am

The image of self basking in the sunlight and rooted in the ground...I love it! Thanks. Glad you like the music selection.

Reply
Catherine link
9/11/2015 10:51:51 pm

Very interesting subject.
We all definitely have those moments when we have an intense reaction to someone else s' behavior.Difficult to change this though.
I guess I have to look behind me to see what my shadow is up to a bit more. Thanks Minda for giving me something to think about.

Reply
Minda
10/11/2015 08:32:27 am

Yes we do have those moments and in varying degrees. Once we calm down it is worth checking out what lies underneath the "intense reaction". Of course, it must be the other person!! Ha...Thanks Catherine for your comment.

Reply
Joy Greenspoon
10/11/2015 12:17:09 pm

A real compelling and provocative subject. Joni Mitchell wrote, "I'm frightened by the devil and drawn to those ones that ain't afraid." Words from both a genius and tortured soul. We could all benefit from exploring our dark side but it's risky. Reticence and denial often win over courage.
I'm encouraged though, to hear that my dark side and getting closer to recognizing it, can be a healing, life learning experience. Thanks for opening up the door to accepting it in a positive way Minda.

Reply
Minda
10/11/2015 10:25:25 pm

Living is a risky business! Maybe we can think of the dark side as those aspects of us which we do not yet know but are waiting to burst into the light of consciousness! So glad to hear from you and I'm glad you found the blog of interest.

Reply
Mandy
10/11/2015 11:31:40 pm

Coach Minda,
This is a wonderful blog and I believe something we all struggle with. At a societal and an individual level, the shadow includes often those who are gay (or gay impulses), those who are unemployed (or those who fear they will not succeed at work), those who are physically unattractive (our body image fears) plus the fear we have of strong (negative) emotions such as anger or jealousy. Star Trek did an amazing show of Captain Kirk who was split into his good (not too energetic) self and his bad (but high energy) self - I wonder if the dark is a source of energy though of course the impulse to do good seems to be the highest source. How does integration occur - perhaps, by acceptance, by understanding the roots. Integration is difficult when we in fact are afraid of our shadows so can only occur by a willingness to suspend that fear.
Sometimes, however we do judge those who seem dominated by the dark forces -whether it be violence, meanness, chaos. I wonder if there is anything in how we integrate with our own shadow which would suggest how we integrate with others who embody the shadow

Reply
Minda
11/11/2015 05:37:54 pm

Thanks Mandy. You seem to have an interest in this fascinating area and perhaps can shed more light than myself!

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Tweet
    View my profile on LinkedIn

    My family, relationships, movement, nature,  flexibility of mind, exploration of  alternative perspectives & openness are central to my life. 

    Archives

    April 2025
    February 2025
    August 2024
    December 2021
    March 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    February 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    May 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013


Private and confidential

  • ​In Person, by Phone, Skype, Zoom or WhatsApp
  • Day, evening and weekend spots
Picture

Connect with me

  • (514) 791-4506
  • [email protected]
  • www.coachminda.com
  • Coach Minda FB
  • Psychology Today
  • Ezine articles

​
  • AT A GLANCE
  • SPECIALITIES
  • - Personal Challenges
  • - Work Challenges
  • - Well-Being
  • CONTACT
  • BLOG
  • TESTIMONIALS
  • CAREER HISTORY
  • ACHIEVEMENTS
  • GLOSSARY
  • AGREEMENT & QUESTIONNAIRE
  • WORKSHOP questionnaire